O.K., up front I admit that sometimes I have a weird sense of humor. Some postings under this button will be straight out of the back recesses of my mind. Others may be a "forward" someone sent me by E-mail that made me chuckle, and I felt was worth sharing. But when you click on THIS button, do so with an open mind. Because I freely poke fun at everything and everyone. Including myself. (Equal opportunity, you know... !)
Fish
Tales
Tales
The Hotel Bill
My wife and I were traveling by car from Victoria to Prince George. Being Seniors, after almost eleven hours on the road, we were too tired to continue, and decided to take a room. But, we only planned to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road. When we checked out four hours later, the desk clerk handed us a bill for $350.00.
I exploded and demanded to know why the charge is so high. I told the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350.00 for four hours. Then the clerk tells me that $350.00 is the 'standard rate'. I insisted on speaking to the Manager.
The Manager appeared, listened to me, and then explained that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for us to use. 'But we didn't use them," I said. ''Well, they are here, and you could have," explained the Manager.
He went on to explain that we could also have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "We have the best entertainers from New York, Hollywood, and Las Vegas perform here," the Manager says.
"But we didn't go to any of those shows," I said. "Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replied. No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, I replied, "But we didn't use it!"
The Manager was unmoved, and eventually I gave up and agreed to pay. I wrote a check and gave it to the Manager.
The Manager was surprised when he looked at the check. "But sir, this check is only made out for $50.00."
'That's correct. I charged you $300.00 for sleeping with my wife," I replied.
"But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager. I said, "Well, too bad, she was here, and you could have."
Don't mess with Senior Citizens
My wife and I were traveling by car from Victoria to Prince George. Being Seniors, after almost eleven hours on the road, we were too tired to continue, and decided to take a room. But, we only planned to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road. When we checked out four hours later, the desk clerk handed us a bill for $350.00.
I exploded and demanded to know why the charge is so high. I told the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350.00 for four hours. Then the clerk tells me that $350.00 is the 'standard rate'. I insisted on speaking to the Manager.
The Manager appeared, listened to me, and then explained that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for us to use. 'But we didn't use them," I said. ''Well, they are here, and you could have," explained the Manager.
He went on to explain that we could also have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "We have the best entertainers from New York, Hollywood, and Las Vegas perform here," the Manager says.
"But we didn't go to any of those shows," I said. "Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replied. No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, I replied, "But we didn't use it!"
The Manager was unmoved, and eventually I gave up and agreed to pay. I wrote a check and gave it to the Manager.
The Manager was surprised when he looked at the check. "But sir, this check is only made out for $50.00."
'That's correct. I charged you $300.00 for sleeping with my wife," I replied.
"But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager. I said, "Well, too bad, she was here, and you could have."
Don't mess with Senior Citizens
The navy chief noticed a new seaman and barked at him, "Get over here! What's your name?"
"Paul," the new seaman replied.
"Look, I don't know what kind of bleeding-heart pansy crap they're teaching sailors in boot camp today, but I don't call anyone by his first name," the chief scowled. "It breeds familiarity, and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my sailors by their last names only: Smith, Jones, Baker. I am to be referred to only as "Chief." Do I make myself clear?"
"Aye, Chief!"
"Good! Now that we've got that straight, what's your last name?"
The new seaman sighed. "Darling. My name is Paul Darling, Chief."
"OK, Paul, here's what I want you to do...."
"Paul," the new seaman replied.
"Look, I don't know what kind of bleeding-heart pansy crap they're teaching sailors in boot camp today, but I don't call anyone by his first name," the chief scowled. "It breeds familiarity, and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my sailors by their last names only: Smith, Jones, Baker. I am to be referred to only as "Chief." Do I make myself clear?"
"Aye, Chief!"
"Good! Now that we've got that straight, what's your last name?"
The new seaman sighed. "Darling. My name is Paul Darling, Chief."
"OK, Paul, here's what I want you to do...."
A man goes out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting on a golf ball. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron."
The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. Again, he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron." He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts the club away, and grabs a 9 iron.
Boom! He hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, huh?"
The frog replies, "Ribbit Lucky frog."
The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. "What do you think, frog?" the man asks.
"Ribbit 3 wood."
The guy takes out a 3 wood and Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game in his life and asks the frog, "OK, where to next?"
The frog replies, "Ribbit Las Vegas ." They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?"
The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette." Upon approaching the roulette table, the man asks, "What do you think I should bet?"
The frog replies, "Ribbit $3000, black 6." Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game the man figures what the heck.Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table. The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever frateful."
The frog replies, "Ribbit Kiss Me."
He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him, he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous girl.
"And that is how the girl ended up in my room, Elin. So help me, or my name is not Tiger Woods."
The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. Again, he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron." He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts the club away, and grabs a 9 iron.
Boom! He hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, huh?"
The frog replies, "Ribbit Lucky frog."
The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. "What do you think, frog?" the man asks.
"Ribbit 3 wood."
The guy takes out a 3 wood and Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game in his life and asks the frog, "OK, where to next?"
The frog replies, "Ribbit Las Vegas ." They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?"
The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette." Upon approaching the roulette table, the man asks, "What do you think I should bet?"
The frog replies, "Ribbit $3000, black 6." Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game the man figures what the heck.Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table. The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever frateful."
The frog replies, "Ribbit Kiss Me."
He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him, he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous girl.
"And that is how the girl ended up in my room, Elin. So help me, or my name is not Tiger Woods."
Little Bruce and Jenny are only 10 years old,
but they know they are in love.
One day they decide that they want to get married,
so Bruce goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand.
Bruce bravely walks up to him and says,
"Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love
and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."
Thinking that this was just the cutest thing,
Mr. Smith replies,
"Well Bruce, you are only 10..
Where will you two live?"
Without even taking a moment to think about it,
Bruce replies,
"In Jenny's room.
It's bigger than mine
and we can both fit there nicely."
Still thinking this is just adorable,
Mr. Smith says with a huge grin,
"Okay, then how will you live?
You're not old enough to get a job.
You'll need to support Jenny."
Again, Bruce instantly replies, "Our allowance,
Jenny makes five bucks a week
and I make 10 bucks a week.
That's about 60 bucks a month,
so that should do us just fine."
Mr. Smith is impressed
Bruce has put so much thought into this."Well Bruce,
it seems like you have everything figured out.
I just have one more question.
What will you do if the two of you should have
little children of your own?"
Bruce just shrugs his shoulders and says,
"Well, we've been lucky so far."
Mr. Smith no longer thinks the little shit is adorable.
but they know they are in love.
One day they decide that they want to get married,
so Bruce goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand.
Bruce bravely walks up to him and says,
"Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love
and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."
Thinking that this was just the cutest thing,
Mr. Smith replies,
"Well Bruce, you are only 10..
Where will you two live?"
Without even taking a moment to think about it,
Bruce replies,
"In Jenny's room.
It's bigger than mine
and we can both fit there nicely."
Still thinking this is just adorable,
Mr. Smith says with a huge grin,
"Okay, then how will you live?
You're not old enough to get a job.
You'll need to support Jenny."
Again, Bruce instantly replies, "Our allowance,
Jenny makes five bucks a week
and I make 10 bucks a week.
That's about 60 bucks a month,
so that should do us just fine."
Mr. Smith is impressed
Bruce has put so much thought into this."Well Bruce,
it seems like you have everything figured out.
I just have one more question.
What will you do if the two of you should have
little children of your own?"
Bruce just shrugs his shoulders and says,
"Well, we've been lucky so far."
Mr. Smith no longer thinks the little shit is adorable.
A pirate walked into a bar. The bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible."
"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."
"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."
"Well," said the pirate, "We were in a battle, and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now."
The bartender replied, "Well, OK, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?"
The pirate explained, "We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off and I got fitted with a hook, but I'm fine, really."
"What about that eye patch?"
"Oh," said the pirate, "One day we were at sea, and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up, and one of them shit in my eye."
"You're kidding, right?" said the bartender. "You couldn't lose an eye just from bird shit."
"It was my first day with the hook."
"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."
"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."
"Well," said the pirate, "We were in a battle, and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now."
The bartender replied, "Well, OK, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?"
The pirate explained, "We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off and I got fitted with a hook, but I'm fine, really."
"What about that eye patch?"
"Oh," said the pirate, "One day we were at sea, and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up, and one of them shit in my eye."
"You're kidding, right?" said the bartender. "You couldn't lose an eye just from bird shit."
"It was my first day with the hook."
Great Orators of the Democrat Party Past
"One man with courage makes a majority." - Andrew Jackson
"The only thing we have to fear is fear itself." - Franklin D. Roosevelt
"The buck stops here." - Harry S. Truman
"Ask not what your country can do for you; ask what you can do for your country." - John F. Kennedy
And, from today's genius Democrats...
"It depends what your definition of 'Sex' is?'' - Bill Clinton
"That Obama ... I would like to cut his nuts off." - Jesse Jackson
"Those rumors are false ... I believe in the sanctity of marriage." - John Edwards
"I invented the Internet." - Al Gore
"The next Person that tells me I'm not religious, I'm going to shove my rosary beads up their ass." - Joe Biden
"America is - is no longer, uh, what it - it, uh, could be, uh, what it was once was - uh, and I say to myself, uh, I don't want that future, uh, for my children." - Barack Obama
"I have campaigned in all 57 states." - Barack Obama (Quoted 2008)
"You don't need God anymore, you have us Democrats." - Nancy Pelosi (Quoted 2006)
"Paying taxes is voluntary." - Sen. Harry Reid
"Bill is the greatest husband and father I know. No one is more faithful, true, and honest than he." - Hillary Clinton (Quoted 1998)
And the most recent gem of wisdom from the "Mother Moron":"We just have to pass the Healthcare Bill to see what's in it." - Nancy Pelosi (Quoted March, 2010)
HOW LUCKY CAN WE BE - TO HAVE SUCH BRILLIANT MINDS IN CHARGE OF OUR ONCE GREAT COUNTRY?
''Life's tough .. it's even tougher if you're stupid.'' - John Wayne
Go green - recycle Congress in 2010!
"One man with courage makes a majority." - Andrew Jackson
"The only thing we have to fear is fear itself." - Franklin D. Roosevelt
"The buck stops here." - Harry S. Truman
"Ask not what your country can do for you; ask what you can do for your country." - John F. Kennedy
And, from today's genius Democrats...
"It depends what your definition of 'Sex' is?'' - Bill Clinton
"That Obama ... I would like to cut his nuts off." - Jesse Jackson
"Those rumors are false ... I believe in the sanctity of marriage." - John Edwards
"I invented the Internet." - Al Gore
"The next Person that tells me I'm not religious, I'm going to shove my rosary beads up their ass." - Joe Biden
"America is - is no longer, uh, what it - it, uh, could be, uh, what it was once was - uh, and I say to myself, uh, I don't want that future, uh, for my children." - Barack Obama
"I have campaigned in all 57 states." - Barack Obama (Quoted 2008)
"You don't need God anymore, you have us Democrats." - Nancy Pelosi (Quoted 2006)
"Paying taxes is voluntary." - Sen. Harry Reid
"Bill is the greatest husband and father I know. No one is more faithful, true, and honest than he." - Hillary Clinton (Quoted 1998)
And the most recent gem of wisdom from the "Mother Moron":"We just have to pass the Healthcare Bill to see what's in it." - Nancy Pelosi (Quoted March, 2010)
HOW LUCKY CAN WE BE - TO HAVE SUCH BRILLIANT MINDS IN CHARGE OF OUR ONCE GREAT COUNTRY?
''Life's tough .. it's even tougher if you're stupid.'' - John Wayne
Go green - recycle Congress in 2010!
My friend's small grandson got lost at the shopping mall..........
He approached a uniformed security guard and said,
"I've lost my grandpa!"
The guard asked, "What's his name?"
"Grandpa."
The guard smiled, then asked, "What's he like?"
The little tyke hesitated for a moment and then replied,
"Jack Daniels whiskey, and women with big tits."
He approached a uniformed security guard and said,
"I've lost my grandpa!"
The guard asked, "What's his name?"
"Grandpa."
The guard smiled, then asked, "What's he like?"
The little tyke hesitated for a moment and then replied,
"Jack Daniels whiskey, and women with big tits."
So this lady says that the other day she saw a man driving down the interstate at high speed with a dog hanging on to the tail gate for dear life. She said if he hadn't been going so fast in the other direction she would have tried to stop him. A few weeks later her son sees the same truck at Bass Pro Shop!
The guy is a taxidermist!
Poor taste perhaps, but it is an eye catching advertisement.
The guy is a taxidermist!
Poor taste perhaps, but it is an eye catching advertisement.
1. I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
2. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
3. I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
4. Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.
5. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.
6. We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.
7. Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.
8. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
9. If I agreed with you we both would be wrong.
10. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
11. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
12. Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.
13. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
14. Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.
15. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
16. Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
17. Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
18. My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.
19. The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
20. Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
2. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
3. I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
4. Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.
5. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.
6. We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.
7. Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.
8. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
9. If I agreed with you we both would be wrong.
10. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
11. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
12. Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.
13. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
14. Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.
15. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
16. Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
17. Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
18. My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.
19. The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
20. Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
